The First Deep Dive

 Food for me isn't just fuel. I don't think it is for anyone who struggles with eating healthy. The more people I meet, the more I realize how common it is for food to be a sort of emotional support companion. We turn to it when we are lonely, we turn to it when we don't have energy, we turn to it when we are experiencing emotions that are heavy and hard to handle. Scientists have studied the effect junk food or sugar specifically has on our brains. Think opioids, but with slightly small consequences. But the addictive effect is the same (1). Why do I mention this? Because first I have to acknowledge it's not just a lack of self control keeping me coming back to junk. My brain is working against my power of will. And I won't even get into how processed food is designed for addiction (think of the brands and marketing and rushes of flavor in whatever food comes to mind...see?). But most importantly, I have to remind myself that having junk food in my life, in balanced quantities, IS OK. The reality for me is it is never going away. And that is OK.

Side bar: a step I took that has helped me get to this "ok" place in my brain is removing what Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch call the Food Police (Intuitive Eating). This is the monitor who used to always comes on the speaker phone in my brain when I'm eating anything but celery and says, "Should you really be eating that? I mean, c'mon! Look at the calories!" Accepting that food is neither good nor bad has helped me a lot. And if that sounds like something that can help you, definitely look them up!

Moving forward by looking backward, what I'm struggling with this week is a phantom I know all too well. Let's call him Fred. Fred is nobody's friend. He's the voice in my ear that says, "Have you noticed that extra roll around your waste? Wow, lookin' tuby, honey. Why do you eat so much?" amongst other nastier things. But this week, he has been shouting, "Nobody loves you, give up on yourself, you're not worthy of love." This definitely goes to a deeper, darker place where trauma and I met for the first time, long ago. I wanna hit Fred. He's a jerk. No, he is an a$shole who needs to keep his mouth shut. But Fred, unfortunately, is a version of me who hasn't been honored and sat with in a long time. That version of me is lonely and acting out to get attention. I certainly do NOT want to bring all that dirt up just to wallow in the mud again, but what I do need to do is acknowledge that Fred still has a place on my shoulder. I've built him a little chair and invited him to stay. What's behind that small act of allowing him to stay? Likely the belief that perhaps, he is right. I am getting bigger, I do have new rolls around my shorts. And I don't feel unloveable all the time. But that doesn't mean Fred is right. In fact, just by existing means I am lovable and worthy of feeling so. Even though I don't feel like I measure up to "enough" doesn't mean I am right. Aka: I need to change the ruler because I. AM. ENOUGH.

So my challenge to myself this week, is to look in the mirror and hold eye contact. To say hello to my inner self and thank her for all her hard work she has done. She is the one carrying around all this trauma and just trying to keep me together despite the inner tornado trying to tear me apart. I plan on including God in this struggle and talking it through with Him. And when I have health insurance, I plan on talking this through with a licensed psychologist who knows how to pull out those inner demons that keep those tornadoes swirling within me. Until then, I can do this. I am stronger than Fred. I am worthy of love. And because I am worthy of love, I plan on going to the gym today and admiring how strong my body is. I plan on looking at those rolls around my shorts and smiling because they're my body's way of trying to take care of me. My body is doing the best it can with the cards it's been dealt. And I think I'm on my way to shuffling in a few new cards from a different deck. 

***If you need help, please call a therapist near you or a crisis hotline if you need immediate assistance (800-273-TALK (8255)). I have gone to years of therapy and learned many coping skills to carry my past and present a little easier. I will forever be an advocate for it. Therapy truly is the first step to taking back the power in your life and challenging those inner demons.There is NO shame in getting help.***

References:

Avena, N. M., Rada, P., & Hoebel, B. G. (2008). Evidence for sugar addiction: behavioral and neurochemical effects of intermittent, excessive sugar intake. Neuroscience and biobehavioral reviews, 32(1), 20–39. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2007.04.019